That title is misleading. I have no idea what to do. I’ve been toying with online dating for about 6 years. I think I’ve tried all of the popular sites. How do you determine success? A date? A relationship? Well, if we judge by getting a date I’ve been successful. Relationship – not so much. I’d like to be in a relationship, but I haven’t met anyone I’m willing to be in a relationship with. I know I’m still gun shy after my divorce. I just don’t want to make another big mistake. And yes, I consider my past marriage a mistake. I don’t regret it happening because from it, I have my son. But there were all sorts of warning signs that said DON’T DO IT! Anyway…it’s hard. To put yourself out there. And let’s be honest. It’s all about the pictures. That’s what initially draws a person to read your profile. And sometimes (most times) I don’t think guys read profiles. Maybe I’m exaggerating. If I get to the point of communication and I don’t think the guy is crazy, I’ll exchange numbers. if the conversation goes well, I’m initially open to meeting. But what usually happens after this is I’ll find something(s) wrong and talk myself out of meeting the guy. I’m trying to go with the flow, but it’s just not my personality. I know I can’t control everything, but I don’t want to waste my time dating if it’s not going to be worthwhile. I’ll figure it out eventually. Maybe.
Most of my thoughts have been consumed with what happened at work last week. It was a terrible thing that happened. But when bad things happen I always try to find the lesson in it all. What am I supposed to learn? What is being revealed to me is the universe is pushing me in the right direction. I’m not supposed to be in my current position for much longer. It will be time for me to move on soon. Everything about that place is pushing me, pushing me closer to where I need to be. There have been more subtle hints for over a year now, but with recent developments I’m being SHOVED. HARD. I’m listening.
This is what I’m afraid to write about…
My job. There’s been a shift at work. It’s been in the process for a long time. I have felt that I need to leave there, but don’t feel quite ready to. There is so much other stuff on my plate so the idea of staying at a job that I don’t think is healthy for me is better than starting over somewhere else right now. But things are pretty bad. My superiors at work have revealed themselves to be quite ugly. I have heard stories from other colleagues about these superiors, but that had never been my experience…until very recently. I would say it was around last spring when the cracks started. My direct supervisor was so upset with a colleague of mine…she was furious because he voiced his opinion (that was not in line with what she wanted to happen). She was so furious that she was practically yelling to me that he could go back to his former location! Her response was so emotional and just plain irrational. I couldn’t believe she couldn’t see how absolutely crazy she sounded. That’s when I slowly started to pull away. I no longer wanted to be friends(ly) with her because I knew sooner or later, I’d be the person she was furious with.
And sure enough, it happened. When I decided I had enough. That I just didn’t fit at the job anymore. I couldn’t be okay with how people are treated when they respectfully disagree with the establishment. That disagreement could mean your are ridiculed or given a poor evaluation. I decided to put in for a transfer. I made everyone (who needed to know) aware, but I was sure not to say why. That would bring all sorts of things to the surface. I just wanted to leave quietly. No big deal.
I was wrong. My transfer was blocked. Although they will never admit it, they need me to stay. Instead of being angry I decided to just push through and do the work. I thought if I just focused on my work, they’d leave me alone, right? Wrong. I were verbally attacked on Monday. Even as I type this it sounds absolutely absurd that this is happening. I was paralyzed. In all my years in this profession, my work, work ethic had never been called into question. On a constant loop in my mind this week, “If only I kept my mouth shut. If only I didn’t ask for a transfer. If only I played nice, and pretended to be friends.” If only…
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my passions, what am I passionate about. I’m passionate about raising my son, making sure he feels safe and loved. I am passionate about my family and my friends. But I am not passionate about my work I am very good at what I do, but I long for more. I just don’t know what? Or how I’m supposed to discover how to find my passions as they relate to how I make a living. How does that happen. I am trying to find time to do the things I love. Like writing. It’s been such a long time, but I’m finally back at it. Is this my passion? Can I make a living at it? How? I know it’s all about the journey, but I just want someone to just tell me what to do! Please?!
Instead I’ll just continue to live, make time for the things I enjoy. I’m doing my best to trust the process. And be patient.
My son has opted not to play Fall Soccer and instead try basketball. Today was an introductory practice with registration to follow next week. It was agreed that he’d give practice a try and if he liked it, we’d move forward with registering. When we arrived at the gym, all of the boys were in the upper grades. Although all of the faces were familiar from school, he didn’t see any of his 4th grade friends. The coach assured me it was okay to leave him and to pick him up at noon. K looked at me with wide eyes that were screaming “don’t leave!”. For more than a second I thought I should stay. Then I reminded myself this was a safe place and he needs to adapt to unfamiliar situations. This would be a great learning experience for both of us since I’m trying to balance being a nurturing mother without being overprotective. I assured K he would be fine and that I’d be back just before 12.
When I returned, I arrived just in time to see him dribble the ball and make the shot! It was a good day.
25 things?! Seems like so much. Let’s give it a go:
- I’ve been a vegetarian since January 1992.
- I’m left-handed, but use scissors in my right-hand. I blame the rusty left-handed scissors in school.
- I sucked my thumb until about freshman year in high school. How my teeth are relatively straight is a mystery.
- I love wearing harem pants.
- I have an unhealthy fear of dogs.
- I had the Donnie and Marie Osmond dolls when I was a child. Loved them!
- My favorite color is yellow, but gray might take over the top spot soon.
- I hate mayonnaise, it tastes disgusting.
- Sixteen Candles is still one of my favorite movies.
- I had my first kiss when I was 17 years old, a senior in high school.
- I think my first crush was on Leif Garret when he played Kristy McNichols boyfriend on Family.
- Then there was Matt Dillon in Little Darlings. I’m aging myself, huh? 🙂
Maybe I’ll come back to this list. It’s getting late and I need to get some sleep.
So…my ex-husband is a narcissist. It took some time for me to realize this. When we first got divorced I thought of him as a sociopath, but the more I read the more I realized he had ALL the characteristics of a narcissist. Now that I know this it makes it some what easier to manuever our “co-parenting” (if you can call it that!) relationship. Basically there’s no talking to him. We communicate strictly by email. Many times I’ll have to wait a while to respond to him because what he thrives on is an emotional reaction, like a child. When he’s feeling anxious about anything he lashes out.
I’ve not been liking my job much lately. Much of it has to do with pushing initiatives/agenda I do not agree with. It’s a difficult situation to be in. Part of the angst I have been feeling lately has to do with my direct supervisor. The angst I feel is similar to what I feel when dealing with my ex-husband. And then it occurred to me: everything is all about her. She is not open to discussion unless it supports what she wants done. If opinions differ from what she believes, she takes it personally. Needless to say, it’s becoming more difficult for me to work with her without letting my professional opinions known. So today my colleague met with her to discuss the issues we’ve all been experiencing. My colleague expressed to me that my supervisor has some preconceived notions about me. He suggested I sit down with her to hash things out. And why would I want to do that? What would the outcome be? What I know is that there’s no give and take with a narcissist. I am not interested in trying to change her opinion of me. Why? It’s not based on any fact. It’s really none of my concern. What I do know for sure is that her opinion of me is none of my business.
I decided on therapy again. The first time was when my father passed away and I started having panic attacks. The second time was when I decided to divorce my ex-husband. That was in 2010. Now I’m back. I’m working with a new therapist this time. The common denominator? The ex-husband.
So why am I blogging? Well, my therapist asked if I kept a journal. And my honest answer was I didn’t any longer because I was afraid of what I would write, I was afraid of what I might learn about myself.
I desperately want to be unafraid. I want to confront my fears, challenges, every thing that is getting in my way of me being my best self.
Here I am. Open.