Day #6

I am surrounded by those who uplift me and elevate me to my highest self.

The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best. -Epictetus

Who are the people that occupy most of your time,
energy and thoughts?

My family occupies most of my time. Especially this time of sheltering in place with the Covid-19 pandemic. I mostly spend my time cooking and caring for my 12 year old son, making sure he’s doing well emotionally/mentally. He’s missing his friends and has had enough of “distance learning.” And I’m calling my mom several times a day. Just making sure she’s good, she’s 71 years. old.

How do they make you feel when you think about them?

My family makes me feel like I have purpose. They keep me grounded and focus on the right things, help me to keep the necessary perspective.

Are they a positive force in your life?

Absolutely. I am at a point in my life that I am only surround myself with positive.

Are they a positive force in your life?

They’re definitely a positive force in my life. This year has really been about setting boundaries. And people who drain me, don’t respect my boundaries I’m perfectly fine with distancing myself/cutting ties.

Are there people with whom you wish you could spend more
of your time?

My best friend lives in another state, and I wish that I could spend more time with her. We both have stressful work so we definitely don’t talk as much as we like or as much as we used to in simpler times.

What would they bring to your life, and what would you
bring to theirs?

She’s just a real person: honest, non-judgmental, and extremely supportive.

day #5

I am the decider!

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” -Alice Walker

What are some upcoming decisions that you must make?

new job, become a mentor in my current job, develop a writing schedule

How do you feel about them?

I actually don’t feel much pressure because life feels at a standstill with Covid-19.

Are you excited about the possibilities in front of you, or are you dreading them?

I’m feeling neutral because I don’t feel like there’s much I can do at the moment.

What can you do to make one of your decisions a reality?

I can set a writing schedule. Perhaps I need to set a timer and add the schedule to my planner.

day #4

Everything is possible, even the things I can’t imagine yet.

“Listen to the mustn’ts child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” -Shel Silverstein

What are you capable of?

I am capable of all things I put my mind to. I truly believe this is true. All of the things that I have wanted and put my mind to getting I have received. This is how I know that I get in my own way.

What do you think is beyond you, and why do you think that?

Sometimes I think writing is still beyond me. I think about it so often, but I still don’t do the thing. I think what must I be afraid of that I allow myself to be paralyzed by fear.

Are your beliefs about what you can’t do really true?

My beliefs are absolutely not true!

What are your wildest dreams?

One of my wildest dreams is that I will finally consider myself a writer and share my writing without fear to the world around me.

Can you challenge yourself to dream even bigger?

Yes, I can challenge myself to dream even bigger. I just don’t know where to begin. 🙁

What would that look like?

I think it looks like have a goal and setting an action plan, and then putting that plan into practice. Do I want to write a piece, a book. Develop a practice of writing EVERY SINGLE DAY. It starts with putting words on the page. I need to keep a promise to myself.

Day #3

Affirmation: I live in my truth even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard.

“Courage starts with showing up and letting yourself be seen.” -Brene Brown

Are you your most authentic self at all times?

I am mostly my authentic self. I wish I could say at all times, but if I’m being honest I know that is not true. This is probably least true when I don’t feel safe. If I don’t feel safe I’ll probably not reveal my most authentic self. And where ever possible I try to only be in spaces where I feel safe.

If not, when are you most yourself?

I am most myself when I feel most comfortable and safe. When I am around my family and close friends, the people that I value most, the people who I know care for me and only want the best for me.

Are you honest with yourself and those around you?

I do believe I am honest with myself and those around me. I work hard at being my most authentic self at all times.

If you are, what gives you the courage to be honest in the face of difficult truths, and if you’re not, what stops you from being honest?

I gain courage by thinking of the errors I made in my 20s and early 30s doing things to feel safe and make other people happy. I learned the hard way that doing so does serve me, and I ended up hurting myself more in the end. Sacrificing myself for others was as sure way to bring about my demise.

How would it feel to walk through life as your true self at all times?

Totally freeing. Just the thought makes me want to cry. There would be no fear! I just have this image of my heart feeling light and free walking in my truth.

Day #2

Affirmation: I am more than the sum of my mistakes.

“All the mistakes teach us something, so there are, in reality, no mistakes, just things we learn.” – Nikki Giovanni

Are there mistakes that you have made that you are still holding onto?

One thing I had been holding on to is the idea that I should have chosen to be with someone who I really cared about, but instead went back to someone who was comfortable, who I thought was my soulmate even though I knew that person was not good for me. And still years later, I wonder what if. But I’m also wise enough to know that there are no regrets. This is the path that was meant for me.

What steps can you take today to forgive yourself for those mistakes?

I don’t know that there are steps I can take now. I believe that I have forgiven myself. Grace. It’s all about grace. I think I was trying to hold on to this person because I recognize the error of my ways. I attempted to hold onto, rekindle the relationship. I was attempting a do-over. For so many years I thought that he was the person who got away and I had in my mind that we could make it right. What I’ve learned is that I cannot go back. I just have to keep moving forward, moving forward to new experiences and hoping that I will take what I’ve learned and apply it to my life.

What lessons can you learn from the mistakes you made in the past in order to be your best self today?

Again I have to continue to give myself the same grace that I very freely give to the people I love. I deserve it. These “mistakes” are simply experiences that help to shape who I am, and encourage me on my path to continue to grow, thrive, and to be my best self. If nothing else, I am learning to be kind to myself, to not beat myself up over past decisions I’ve mad.

Day #1

Affirmation: Every step I take, no matter how small, is meaningful and significant.

This feels true for me when I think about the things I want to do…every little thing I do, even the thought of doing/starting to do something it is true in that moment. I feels untrue when I get in my own head and think I always start a thing, but do not always follow through on completing the thing. I find the things that are most important to me, I give up on. 🙁 But things that I feel I am supposed to do, what looks good to others I have no problem doing.

What is a big dream that you have not yet realized?

I want to be a writer. This is the thing that I keep coming back to. It scares the shit out of me. I’m afraid of being good or worse: BEING A TERRIBLE WRITER. But it truly won’t leave me alone. I feel like I have something to say, but I’m not sure what I want to say, or how I want to say it. I have so many thoughts and ideas I’d like to get out, but I don’t know where to begin. Well, that’s not entirely true. The start is writing, writing daily. I need to develop a practice and stop getting in my own way. I’m great at encouraging others to pursue their dreams while I stand still on the sidelines. It’s a horrible feeling.

What is one small step that you can take today that will get you closer to making it a reality?

The one small step I am taking today is this. Writing. Writing one thing every single day. This journaling practice is the start. And it might seem small or insignificant, but this is huge for me. I’m trying to trust myself to do this thing for myself.

Will you take that step?

Yes. This is the first step. I’m writing! Right now.

What (if anything) is stopping you?

Me. I get in my own way. My fear is paralyzing.

Writing

I make all these plans, buy all the notebooks and journals, have all of these ideas that I cannot wait to get out. All of these plans to write, but they’re only just that. Plans. I am afraid to write. I am afraid I’m not good at it. How could I love reading other people’s words and not at least give it a try? I become paralyzed by the thought of being AWFUL at it. It’s probably my worst fear. Meanwhile, time is just passing me by. I’m so good at telling people to go after what they desire, to follow their passions. And here I am suffocated by my negative self-talk.

Knowing is half the battle, right? I’m working on it. :-/

Random

Hmmmm…5 Random Things About Me

1. I am finishing my 23rd year as an English teacher. How time flies!
2. I LOVE the theatre and try to attend plays as often as I can.
3. I really want to learn ballroom dance, but I’m pretty sure you need a partner for that! 🙂
4. I feel like I’m supposed to be a runner, but every time I start I’m reminded how much I actually hate it. 
5. I have an 11 year old son and he is my absolute favorite person to hang out with. It makes me a bit sad that probably some time soon he won’t want to hang out with his mom. 

Boundaries

With the start of a new year I spent some time setting intentions for 2019 in my planner. I’m trying a new planner this year that requires you to choose one word to drive your intent for the year. It took me a few days to decide on my word. Many of the words swirling in my mind had to do with being healthier or words associated with my career goals. The word I finally felt most good about is “confidence”. To the outside world I probably appear to be confident in most aspects of my life. Honestly, this isn’t true. There’s a lot of negative self-talk that happens in my head. And I realize that I can be so cruel to myself. I need to set boundaries on the negative self-talk. My mean and hurtful inner-monologue is shameful. And it will stop this year. My intention for this year is to approach my life from a place of confidence. I plan to be more confident in my work, in my personal life, in my writing. I put in the work and now I need to make things happen for myself. I do not want my life to pass me by. In order for this to happen I need to actively pump myself up. I have to make the decision to shift my personal narrative. This is not something that I expect to happen over night, but I plan to do the necessary work to move from a place of confidence to make the things I want and need for myself to happen. I’m excited!

Things I Love

Here’s a short list of the things I’m loving right now (in no particular order)

  1. Avocado Toast – Where have I been? I’ve see people post pictures of it on Instagram and thought it’d be nice to try since I love avocado. Well, this weekend I finally gave it a try. This could end up being a very bad thing. I love it so much! YUM!
  2. . My Apple Watch – I knew I’d like it, but had no idea how much. It really keeps me accountable for movement throughout the day. I’m almost always pretty good at getting 10,000 steps in each day and standing at least once for 12 hours. I know I wouldn’t do this on my own.
  3. Dear Sugar Radio – This is my favorite podcast of the moment. I listen to it every Thursday after work on my drive to class. Such good advice. It really is a gem.
  4. Korean Dramas – I discovered them one weekend when I couldn’t sleep. I was browsing for something to binge watch on Hulu. The first drama I watched was Operation Proposal. That was back in 2012, and I’ve been hooked ever since. I’m currently watching Jealousy Incarnate starring Kong Hyo-Jin. She is one of my favorite actresses.