This is what I’m afraid to write about…

This is what I’m afraid to write about…

My job. There’s been a shift at work. It’s been in the process for a long time. I have felt that I need to leave there, but don’t feel quite ready to. There is so much other stuff on my plate so the idea of staying at a job that I don’t think is healthy for me is better than starting over somewhere else right now. But things are pretty bad. My superiors at work have revealed themselves to be quite ugly. I have heard stories from other colleagues about these superiors, but that had never been my experience…until very recently. I would say it was around last spring when the cracks started. My direct supervisor was so upset with a colleague of mine…she was furious because he voiced his opinion (that was not in line with what she wanted to happen). She was so furious that she was practically yelling to me that he could go back to his former location! Her response was so emotional and just plain irrational. I couldn’t believe she couldn’t see how absolutely crazy she sounded. That’s when I slowly started to pull away. I no longer wanted to be friends(ly) with her because I knew sooner or later, I’d be the person she was furious with.

And sure enough, it happened. When I decided I had enough. That I just didn’t fit at the job anymore. I couldn’t be okay with how people are treated when they respectfully disagree with the establishment. That disagreement could mean your are ridiculed or given a poor evaluation. I decided to put in for a transfer. I made everyone (who needed to know) aware, but I was sure not to say why. That would bring all sorts of things to the surface. I just wanted to leave quietly. No big deal.

I was wrong. My transfer was blocked. Although they will never admit it, they need me to stay. Instead of being angry I decided to just push through and do the work. I thought if I just focused on my work, they’d leave me alone, right? Wrong. I were verbally attacked on Monday. Even as I type this it sounds absolutely absurd that this is happening. I was paralyzed. In all my years in this profession, my work, work ethic had never been called into question. On a constant loop in my mind this week, “If only I kept my mouth shut. If only I didn’t ask for a transfer. If only I played nice, and pretended to be friends.” If only…

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