None of My Business

So…my ex-husband is a narcissist. It took some time for me to realize this. When we first got divorced I thought of him as a sociopath, but the more I read the more I realized he had ALL the characteristics of a narcissist. Now that I know this it makes it some what easier to manuever our “co-parenting” (if you can call it that!) relationship. Basically there’s no talking to him. We communicate strictly by email. Many times I’ll have to wait a while to respond to him because what he thrives on is an emotional reaction, like a child. When he’s feeling anxious about anything he lashes out.

I’ve not been liking my job much lately. Much of it has to do with pushing initiatives/agenda I do not agree with. It’s a difficult situation to be in. Part of the angst I have been feeling lately has to do with my direct supervisor. The angst I feel is similar to what I feel when dealing with my ex-husband. And then it occurred to me: everything is all about her. She is not open to discussion unless it supports what she wants done. If opinions differ from what she believes, she takes it personally. Needless to say, it’s becoming more difficult for me to work with her without letting my professional opinions known. So today my colleague met with her to discuss the issues we’ve all been experiencing. My colleague expressed to me that my supervisor has some preconceived notions about me. He suggested I sit down with her to hash things out. And why would I want to do that? What would the outcome be? What I know is that there’s no give and take with a narcissist. I am not interested in trying to change her opinion of me. Why? It’s not based on any fact. It’s really none of my concern. What I do know for sure is that her opinion of me is none of my business.

Open

I decided on therapy again. The first time was when my father passed away and I started having panic attacks. The second time was when I decided to divorce my ex-husband. That was in 2010. Now I’m back. I’m working with a new therapist this time. The common denominator? The ex-husband.

So why am I blogging? Well, my therapist asked if I kept a journal. And my honest answer was I didn’t any longer because I was afraid of what I would write, I was afraid of what I might learn about myself.

I desperately want to be unafraid. I want to confront my fears, challenges, every thing that is getting in my way of me being my best self.

Here I am. Open.