I make all these plans, buy all the notebooks and journals, have all of these ideas that I cannot wait to get out. All of these plans to write, but they’re only just that. Plans. I am afraid to write. I am afraid I’m not good at it. How could I love reading other people’s words and not at least give it a try? I become paralyzed by the thought of being AWFUL at it. It’s probably my worst fear. Meanwhile, time is just passing me by. I’m so good at telling people to go after what they desire, to follow their passions. And here I am suffocated by my negative self-talk.
Knowing is half the battle, right? I’m working on it. :-/
Hmmmm…5 Random Things About Me
1. I am finishing my 23rd year as an English teacher. How time flies!
2. I LOVE the theatre and try to attend plays as often as I can.
3. I really want to learn ballroom dance, but I’m pretty sure you need a partner for that! 🙂
4. I feel like I’m supposed to be a runner, but every time I start I’m reminded how much I actually hate it.
5. I have an 11 year old son and he is my absolute favorite person to hang out with. It makes me a bit sad that probably some time soon he won’t want to hang out with his mom.
With the start of a new year I spent some time setting intentions for 2019 in my planner. I’m trying a new planner this year that requires you to choose one word to drive your intent for the year. It took me a few days to decide on my word. Many of the words swirling in my mind had to do with being healthier or words associated with my career goals. The word I finally felt most good about is “confidence”. To the outside world I probably appear to be confident in most aspects of my life. Honestly, this isn’t true. There’s a lot of negative self-talk that happens in my head. And I realize that I can be so cruel to myself. I need to set boundaries on the negative self-talk. My mean and hurtful inner-monologue is shameful. And it will stop this year. My intention for this year is to approach my life from a place of confidence. I plan to be more confident in my work, in my personal life, in my writing. I put in the work and now I need to make things happen for myself. I do not want my life to pass me by. In order for this to happen I need to actively pump myself up. I have to make the decision to shift my personal narrative. This is not something that I expect to happen over night, but I plan to do the necessary work to move from a place of confidence to make the things I want and need for myself to happen. I’m excited!
Here’s a short list of the things I’m loving right now (in no particular order)
- Avocado Toast – Where have I been? I’ve see people post pictures of it on Instagram and thought it’d be nice to try since I love avocado. Well, this weekend I finally gave it a try. This could end up being a very bad thing. I love it so much! YUM!
- . My Apple Watch – I knew I’d like it, but had no idea how much. It really keeps me accountable for movement throughout the day. I’m almost always pretty good at getting 10,000 steps in each day and standing at least once for 12 hours. I know I wouldn’t do this on my own.
- Dear Sugar Radio – This is my favorite podcast of the moment. I listen to it every Thursday after work on my drive to class. Such good advice. It really is a gem.
- Korean Dramas – I discovered them one weekend when I couldn’t sleep. I was browsing for something to binge watch on Hulu. The first drama I watched was Operation Proposal. That was back in 2012, and I’ve been hooked ever since. I’m currently watching Jealousy Incarnate starring Kong Hyo-Jin. She is one of my favorite actresses.
That title is misleading. I have no idea what to do. I’ve been toying with online dating for about 6 years. I think I’ve tried all of the popular sites. How do you determine success? A date? A relationship? Well, if we judge by getting a date I’ve been successful. Relationship – not so much. I’d like to be in a relationship, but I haven’t met anyone I’m willing to be in a relationship with. I know I’m still gun shy after my divorce. I just don’t want to make another big mistake. And yes, I consider my past marriage a mistake. I don’t regret it happening because from it, I have my son. But there were all sorts of warning signs that said DON’T DO IT! Anyway…it’s hard. To put yourself out there. And let’s be honest. It’s all about the pictures. That’s what initially draws a person to read your profile. And sometimes (most times) I don’t think guys read profiles. Maybe I’m exaggerating. If I get to the point of communication and I don’t think the guy is crazy, I’ll exchange numbers. if the conversation goes well, I’m initially open to meeting. But what usually happens after this is I’ll find something(s) wrong and talk myself out of meeting the guy. I’m trying to go with the flow, but it’s just not my personality. I know I can’t control everything, but I don’t want to waste my time dating if it’s not going to be worthwhile. I’ll figure it out eventually. Maybe.
Most of my thoughts have been consumed with what happened at work last week. It was a terrible thing that happened. But when bad things happen I always try to find the lesson in it all. What am I supposed to learn? What is being revealed to me is the universe is pushing me in the right direction. I’m not supposed to be in my current position for much longer. It will be time for me to move on soon. Everything about that place is pushing me, pushing me closer to where I need to be. There have been more subtle hints for over a year now, but with recent developments I’m being SHOVED. HARD. I’m listening.
This is what I’m afraid to write about…
My job. There’s been a shift at work. It’s been in the process for a long time. I have felt that I need to leave there, but don’t feel quite ready to. There is so much other stuff on my plate so the idea of staying at a job that I don’t think is healthy for me is better than starting over somewhere else right now. But things are pretty bad. My superiors at work have revealed themselves to be quite ugly. I have heard stories from other colleagues about these superiors, but that had never been my experience…until very recently. I would say it was around last spring when the cracks started. My direct supervisor was so upset with a colleague of mine…she was furious because he voiced his opinion (that was not in line with what she wanted to happen). She was so furious that she was practically yelling to me that he could go back to his former location! Her response was so emotional and just plain irrational. I couldn’t believe she couldn’t see how absolutely crazy she sounded. That’s when I slowly started to pull away. I no longer wanted to be friends(ly) with her because I knew sooner or later, I’d be the person she was furious with.
And sure enough, it happened. When I decided I had enough. That I just didn’t fit at the job anymore. I couldn’t be okay with how people are treated when they respectfully disagree with the establishment. That disagreement could mean your are ridiculed or given a poor evaluation. I decided to put in for a transfer. I made everyone (who needed to know) aware, but I was sure not to say why. That would bring all sorts of things to the surface. I just wanted to leave quietly. No big deal.
I was wrong. My transfer was blocked. Although they will never admit it, they need me to stay. Instead of being angry I decided to just push through and do the work. I thought if I just focused on my work, they’d leave me alone, right? Wrong. I were verbally attacked on Monday. Even as I type this it sounds absolutely absurd that this is happening. I was paralyzed. In all my years in this profession, my work, work ethic had never been called into question. On a constant loop in my mind this week, “If only I kept my mouth shut. If only I didn’t ask for a transfer. If only I played nice, and pretended to be friends.” If only…
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my passions, what am I passionate about. I’m passionate about raising my son, making sure he feels safe and loved. I am passionate about my family and my friends. But I am not passionate about my work I am very good at what I do, but I long for more. I just don’t know what? Or how I’m supposed to discover how to find my passions as they relate to how I make a living. How does that happen. I am trying to find time to do the things I love. Like writing. It’s been such a long time, but I’m finally back at it. Is this my passion? Can I make a living at it? How? I know it’s all about the journey, but I just want someone to just tell me what to do! Please?!
Instead I’ll just continue to live, make time for the things I enjoy. I’m doing my best to trust the process. And be patient.
My son has opted not to play Fall Soccer and instead try basketball. Today was an introductory practice with registration to follow next week. It was agreed that he’d give practice a try and if he liked it, we’d move forward with registering. When we arrived at the gym, all of the boys were in the upper grades. Although all of the faces were familiar from school, he didn’t see any of his 4th grade friends. The coach assured me it was okay to leave him and to pick him up at noon. K looked at me with wide eyes that were screaming “don’t leave!”. For more than a second I thought I should stay. Then I reminded myself this was a safe place and he needs to adapt to unfamiliar situations. This would be a great learning experience for both of us since I’m trying to balance being a nurturing mother without being overprotective. I assured K he would be fine and that I’d be back just before 12.
When I returned, I arrived just in time to see him dribble the ball and make the shot! It was a good day.